Reflecting Upon The Important Things
Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, remember to pause and reflect upon the important things in life. If you don't have your own short list, feel free to use this one:
1) how to achieve peace on earth and practice goodwill towards men, and
2) whether we are using our modern conveniences to best advantage.
If your initial response to that short list was "how quickly can we get past that whole 'peace on earth, goodwill ...' thing", you are especially in the right place! Likewise, if you are becoming increasingly frustrated with an apparent shortening of attention spans or find yourself increasingly impatient with any apparent shortcoming of our modern conveniences, see if you can relate to this dialogue. I wrote it a number of years ago in response to a difference in expectations between me and my best friend about the purposes of voice mail. I claimed to be recalling an episode of the "Kung Fu" TV series on the subject.
(If you aren't familiar with that show, you'll be at a small disadvantage, so here's the context: there were regular flashback sequences to a time when the main character was a boy studying with a master Shaolin priest who was blind and referred to his pupil as "Grasshopper".)
.... So here's what I remember:
Master:
Snatch the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper. (Grasshopper tries and fails). Ah, you still cannot. Do not be too discouraged; you are making good progress and it will happen soon enough. Be mindful of the fact that you have mastered the ability to detect that you have voice mail messages and to quickly delete them, which leaves your mailbox pure, clean, and empty.
Grasshopper:
Yes, master. I can stop that damn light from blinking in a heartbeat. You're saying there is more?
Master:
Yes. With training, you will learn to become one with the message, to live the message, to "get" the message. Do not be overwhelmed, Grasshopper. Know that you already have the necessary technical skills which, when applied with discipline and in balanced proportions will allow you to advance to the next level. The first step on this path is to acquire the motivation to listen to the whole message.
Grasshopper:
The whole message, master? You've got to be kidding. Most of the people that leave messages for me are insufferable idiots. And even the one's that aren't can go on FOREVER--20 or 30 seconds sometimes! Really! You should hear some of this crap. In just one or two words I can tell who it is and I just call them back later; it's better for everyone.
Master:
Is it, Grasshopper? Have patience. Listening to the whole message will allow you to analyze its content and, perhaps, divine the intent of the speaker or capture the nuance. A message containing a silly song or an outburst of choice expletives, if not accepted as delivered, may be lost forever. A message might have time sensitive content such that calling back entirely defeats the point of the call. Suppose you get a message from ...
Grasshopper:
Blah, blah, blah, Master. Could you be, like, MORE tedious. I'm sooooo NOT interested in listening to you drone on and on. Just give me my homework and then you can go back to staring at the sun, freak.
Master:
As you wish, Grasshopper. Here are some exercises that may help you gain patience with voice mail messages:
1. Context and Nuance
Try to discern the difference between the following messages that are identical up until the point that you are likely to hit the delete button:
A) Hi. (you hit delete) Call me when you get a chance.
B) Hi. (you hit delete) Don't ever call me again -- BITCH!!!
2. Time critical situations
Which of the following circumstances do NOT fit your nearly universal "just call them back sometime" preemptive deleting rule:
A) dire emergency calls
B) "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" life-line calls
C) deathbed confession calls
D) attempt to abort a suicide calls
E) video rental selection request calls from your boyfriend
3. Combine message listening time with a physical workout
Imagine that each word you hear is an attacking Ninja warrior emerging from the phone. Using your finely honed slow-motion martial arts moves, defeat each word in turn. Besides the workout and the bonus of multiplying your opportunities for stress-reducing destructive bliss, you will be providing entertainment to all those who can see you but haven't got a clue what you are doing.
.
.
.
Anyway, I think it went something like that.
