First the earth cooled. Many millions of years later, I appeared and decided that having a convenient outlet for self-expression and public exchanges would be a good thing, so here it is. I'll be posting whatever strikes me as interesting, useful, or funny. I hope to get as much as I give, so don't be shy--let me know what you think (click on "Comments (Add/View)" under the entry) and I'll get a notice. I'm Glenn, the Glennformer, and this is Glennformation.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Reflecting Upon The Important Things

Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, remember to pause and reflect upon the important things in life. If you don't have your own short list, feel free to use this one:

1) how to achieve peace on earth and practice goodwill towards men, and
2) whether we are using our modern conveniences to best advantage.

If your initial response to that short list was "how quickly can we get past that whole 'peace on earth, goodwill ...' thing", you are especially in the right place! Likewise, if you are becoming increasingly frustrated with an apparent shortening of attention spans or find yourself increasingly impatient with any apparent shortcoming of our modern conveniences, see if you can relate to this dialogue. I wrote it a number of years ago in response to a difference in expectations between me and my best friend about the purposes of voice mail. I claimed to be recalling an episode of the "Kung Fu" TV series on the subject.

(If you aren't familiar with that show, you'll be at a small disadvantage, so here's the context: there were regular flashback sequences to a time when the main character was a boy studying with a master Shaolin priest who was blind and referred to his pupil as "Grasshopper".)

.... So here's what I remember:

Master:
Snatch the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper. (Grasshopper tries and fails). Ah, you still cannot. Do not be too discouraged; you are making good progress and it will happen soon enough. Be mindful of the fact that you have mastered the ability to detect that you have voice mail messages and to quickly delete them, which leaves your mailbox pure, clean, and empty.

Grasshopper:
Yes, master. I can stop that damn light from blinking in a heartbeat. You're saying there is more?

Master:
Yes. With training, you will learn to become one with the message, to live the message, to "get" the message. Do not be overwhelmed, Grasshopper. Know that you already have the necessary technical skills which, when applied with discipline and in balanced proportions will allow you to advance to the next level. The first step on this path is to acquire the motivation to listen to the whole message.

Grasshopper:
The whole message, master? You've got to be kidding. Most of the people that leave messages for me are insufferable idiots. And even the one's that aren't can go on FOREVER--20 or 30 seconds sometimes! Really! You should hear some of this crap. In just one or two words I can tell who it is and I just call them back later; it's better for everyone.

Master:
Is it, Grasshopper? Have patience. Listening to the whole message will allow you to analyze its content and, perhaps, divine the intent of the speaker or capture the nuance. A message containing a silly song or an outburst of choice expletives, if not accepted as delivered, may be lost forever. A message might have time sensitive content such that calling back entirely defeats the point of the call. Suppose you get a message from ...

Grasshopper:
Blah, blah, blah, Master. Could you be, like, MORE tedious. I'm sooooo NOT interested in listening to you drone on and on. Just give me my homework and then you can go back to staring at the sun, freak.

Master:
As you wish, Grasshopper. Here are some exercises that may help you gain patience with voice mail messages:

1. Context and Nuance

Try to discern the difference between the following messages that are identical up until the point that you are likely to hit the delete button:

A) Hi. (you hit delete) Call me when you get a chance.
B) Hi. (you hit delete) Don't ever call me again -- BITCH!!!

2. Time critical situations

Which of the following circumstances do NOT fit your nearly universal "just call them back sometime" preemptive deleting rule:

A) dire emergency calls
B) "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" life-line calls
C) deathbed confession calls
D) attempt to abort a suicide calls
E) video rental selection request calls from your boyfriend

3. Combine message listening time with a physical workout

Imagine that each word you hear is an attacking Ninja warrior emerging from the phone. Using your finely honed slow-motion martial arts moves, defeat each word in turn. Besides the workout and the bonus of multiplying your opportunities for stress-reducing destructive bliss, you will be providing entertainment to all those who can see you but haven't got a clue what you are doing.

.
.
.

Anyway, I think it went something like that.

14 comments:

diane said...

Happy New Year - 2008 - I finally read your blog

nancy said...

hey, this blog was way too tedious to read. Call me and give me the gist. If I don't answer, leave a message.

nancy said...

the shortcut for delete is "4".

nancy said...

Okay, okay, although NO ONE will understand this entire blog, it was hilarious. I do prematurely delete pretty much all phone mail.

nancy said...

no! No! it's 7!!! 4 is the dreaded "replay"

nancy said...

or even worse. "9" is for save. Oh the humanity.

nancy said...

"Your message will be saved for 99 days".

WHY? Why the fuck would anyone want a message saved for 99 days?

nancy said...

When I call someone, I can't even listen to their outgoing message. I always hit "1" to skip it. The worst is when someone's voicemail uses "1" as the shortcut to get into their voicemail and I get the "enter your PIN" message. That's it, I don't even call back with my message.

nancy said...

btw - this is an awesome blog http://bloodsigns.blogspot.com/

nancy said...

i can now walk across the rice paper without leaving footprints.

nancy said...

what do I get in reward?

PAH-LEASE let it be holding a fire-hot kettle with my bare arms!! Goody Goody Gum Drops.

Glennformer said...

I'm sorry, I see how you could have been confused, but no. The pictogram for "fire hot kettle that you pick up with your bare forearms to brand yourself" is very similar to the one for "toaster oven". Your reward is actually supposed to be the toaster oven. Sure, we used to use the fire hot kettle for branding ourselves and I can see how you would be looking forward to that but now we can just use those temporary decal tattoos or Sharpie pens.

nancy said...

Wow! A new blog post!!

Oh wait. No. It's not.

I'm really glad you spent 19 hours working on the perfect set of settings for your blog.

nancy said...

remember how long you fretted about getting the right feed to use?