Who will you acknowledge right now?
It turned out that my father died at the end of February. To me, he was a great man, a role model, and a regular source of inspiration. I'm sorry that he is gone and that more people didn't get the gift it was to have known him. Part of the "silver lining" from the events leading up to and following his passing was noticing and taking some opportunities to acknowledge him and others. So many people, from family and friends to those "just doing their jobs", were generous, supportive, and committed to making a difference in his life and/or mine.
In too many cases though, I caught myself noticing something to acknowledge someone for but letting it remain just a "conversation" in my head. What often stopped me from actually acknowledging them was:
A) waiting for the "best" opportunity instead of taking advantage of the good enough opportunity right in front of me,
B) not making a promise to myself or, better, to others, to do it at some definite time later, or
C) wondering whether I might make someone uncomfortable by "making a big deal" about something or picking the wrong format or venue (public vs private, speaking to them vs writing to them, etc), or leaving them with the idea that I want something from them in return (including an acknowledgment of me from them).
I've also noticed (by way of the subtle technique of friends telling me, point blank) that I've been reluctant to acknowledge myself and accept acknowledgment from others without looking for and stating some offsetting negative element. I've very often focused on where I fell short of my goal and I've taken my achievements for granted, not leaving myself very empowered. An acknowledgment from someone, like "Wow!, You did a great job!" would too often get a response from me along the lines of "it could have been better" or "better late than never" or "if you knew how long it took me you wouldn't be so impressed". I see now that it is just a matter of generosity on my part to accept the value of my contribution to them from THEIR point of view and that doing so is not inconsistent with any commitment I may have to excel.
So, since I know I'm not unique in any of this, I'm letting you in on my relatively new "secret" plan "B" for acknowledging others and myself, namely:
1) I won't hold out for that "best" opportunity to acknowledge someone, since it may not ever materialize; my new best time is NOW!
2) When I'm not able to communicate with the person right then, like during space shuttle re-entry or certain episodes of Seinfeld or South Park, I won't miss the opportunity to promise myself to acknowledge them at the very next opportunity (like by actually scheduling it) and I'll start by acknowledging them to anyone else, right then, right there.
3) On the format/venue issue, I'll go with "when in doubt, write it out". After all, there is that whole "greeting card" industry thing supporting that approach, so I just won't be stopped by that verbal thing. If I'm nervous about it for any reason, I'll just take on being courageous.
4) I'll include myself in my list of people to acknowledge and my new response when someone acknowledges me will be "Thank you!".
So, just because I can (and to show off), here's me being in action with the plan "B" that works for me, from an item just off the top of my head:
Who: my sister
When: right now
Where: right here
What: My sister has been the great communicator of the family. Mom & I talked the most but, often, we were just reporting things in front of other people, telling our stories and recounting conversations with third parties, such that we didn't know much more about the people who were with us when we finished than when we started. Jan has been the one we went to when we needed to "get through" to someone and she always seems to know what is really going on. She's been the hub at the center of the wheel. There have been many times that who she was to each of us in the family made the difference in us resolving a problem, keeping things in an appropriate "big picture" context, or just being in communication effectively. I'm very grateful for the glue she has provided in keeping us connected as a family. Thanks, Jan, for you being you!
So who's next? I can hear you screaming "Pick Me! Pick Me!", so since YOU are reading this, yes, I invite YOU to be next. It's a bit of a game we are playing here so I'll try to come up with at least 10 rules to add to the fun.
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Done.
The Rules:
1) Just click on "Comments (Add/View)" and, acknowledge one or more people, just because you can.
2) You get bonus points if you are willing to acknowledge yourself for something, especially something that no one has acknowledged you for before (or even knows to acknowledge you for).
3) You can name names or leave them out. They'll know who you are talking about--especially if it is you acknowledging yourself, I hope.
4) After you have posted an acknowledgment here, you get bonus points when you invite the person to read your acknowledgment here. (NOTE: This is really a trick so that they'll be invited to acknowledge someone themselves. I'd like to acknowledge myself for being clever.)
5) You get DOUBLE EXTRA BONUS POINTS for inviting others to post an acknowledgment just because they can. (NOTE: This will open up the game to people that DO NOT appreciate being tricked into doing something they find satisfying by people trying to score bonus points under Rule #4.)
6) If you are already an acknowledgment virtuoso, in addition to acknowledging someone, feel free to share a great story about having acknowledged someone that will inspire others to acknowledge others themselves.
7) It doesn't have to be the grand blockbuster of all time acknowledgment. Letting the paper boy know that you appreciate his skill and diligence about not knocking over your flower pot on the front porch is just the kind of thing to not "step over" on the way to something else. On the other hand, here are two pools of people you might want to consider:
a) people who have and/or are making a major difference in your life
b) anyone who inspires you with their commitment and achievement in the face of tough circumstances
8) If you are "just" making a public promise to acknowledge someone at another time or place, let us know what you will be acknowledging them for and we'll pretend it doesn't count and you didn't get anything out of writing it down.
9) It's just a game, so if you don't like the rules, make up your own rules or, otherwise, say whatever you want to say, especially sharing what works for you!
10) TRIPLE QUADRUPLE EXTRA BONUS POINTS if you'd like to join my team in promoting other methods/opportunities/venues for people to acknowledge each other. What would life be like if we regularly looked for the greatness in others and in ourselves and acknowledged each other for it? Let's start an avalanche!!!
8 comments:
I am so very sorry to hear about the passing of your father, but am glad to see that as sad an event as it was, you have made a commitment to be a better person because of it. The death of a loved one is not something that I have ever had to deal with until just recently, and for as despondent as I am over it, I too have found great insight because of it . . . the random kindness and generosity of strangers has left me speechless - people I know nothing about have given me their condolences and said prayers for my and my family. It has honestly restored my faith in humanity and made me see that the world really isn't as big as I think, and most people are inherently good and kind.
Thank you for a very thoughtful and thought provoking post.
Although a very nice post about a very dear subject ...
... that picture makes me feel like I'm tripping.
I took the time and acknowledged 10 women last night on my blog, one of those "women" actually being an entire group. And then I remembered this forum and thought I would at least link to my acknowledgement because you are asking for them.
The bottom half of this post is where you will find them:
http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-love-me-big-fat-rollercoaster-ride.html
(I'm leaving separate comment for each separate thing here ...)
I'm an acknowledger by nature. I've always been someone to simply pick up the phone or email or tell them, right then and there, how I appreciate them for whatever.
For example:
This past winter, we had a particularly bad snow storm that took out power to many, many homes. We were without power for quite a long time. After it was restored, I thought about how I was IN my house, although cold, waiting it out. I was bundled up. I was protected from the storm. But the guys who restored power - they were IN the storm. They were out there, helping US.
So I called the power company and left a compliment for all those guys who were out there. A big ~thank you~. The customer service girl was shocked. She said "Wow, no one ever calls us to thank us." And I said "well, now you have someone to think about who WILL call."
What a great feeling.
Okay, my turn again.
First, I'll thank my sister for emailing me a very moving acknowledgment of her daughter, son, me, our father, and my brothers. (She subscribes to my blog so my post shows up to her as just an email).
Next, I want to acknowledge Nancy for scoring the most points so far, having the great idea of linking to this post from her blog. In addition to being a virtuoso of acknowledgment herself and sharing that with us, she's been an inspiration to thousands who have followed her very public emotional rollercoaster ride on the way to becoming pregnant for a third time in the face tough infertility circumstances and often gut wrenching decisions associated with that. Her perseverance will, among greater things, mean that "Uncle Glenn" will have a chance to redeem himself in light of the earlier cat food incident.
Last, I promised a friend that I would report on a recent incident where acknowledgment may have made a significant difference in someone's life.
Late one night, as I was leaving an office building, a big man who was also leaving the building commented, seemingly in jest, "I'm going to kill my girlfriend". I tossed back, casually, "Gee, seems like a really bad idea", to which he responded, "Yes, don't do the crime if you're not willing to do the time, right?". "No, even if you're willing to do the time, it's probably still a bad idea", I said. I thought that was the end of it until, when we were then about 100 feet apart and headed in different directions, he called out "No, seriously, I'm going to kill her". Things had just gone into a different realm.
By the time I got to my car, I'd chosen to not give this one a pass. Nobody would say something like that unless they were really upset and/or asking to be stopped. I drove over to where the guy had been walking and, seeing a car just leaving that area of the parking lot, decided I'd follow it to see if it was him. After a few miles and following the car into an apartment complex, I thought I'd lost him but parked and, in the course of walking around the grounds, saw him approaching a building, so starting walking towards him. He recognized me and very angrily asked if I had followed him, to which I replied that I had. Things were very tense for a minute while he advised me, quite loudly and aggressively, to mind my own business and get lost. What made a difference to him was my telling him that if my intention was to "get him in trouble" for what he'd said, I'd have already called the police and he'd be talking to them instead of me. He finally accepted that a person, even a total stranger, could be concerned about him being so upset and wanting to do something about it. He offered his hand, introduced himself, and invited me to sit with him on the outdoor bench and talk. The next three, very cold, hours, gave one opportunity after another to acknowledge a struggling person's hard life, resilience and resourcefulness under really tough circumstances, commitment to maintain control of his life by not surrendering to the passions of the moment, and willingness to ask for help. Enough about me though, it turns out that he had all those issues too, in order of magnitude extremes of degree. Anyway, we parted with another handshake, friends who agreed to stay in touch, me having been rewarded for risking the attempt to make a difference and him with a renewed sense of being respected as an equal and a view of living a life of generosity and family support. Will it last? Don't know, but it's a start.
Oh, one more thing. A friend with a heightened awareness for my being quick to discount my achievements in favor of focusing on my shortcomings, and being skilled in that herself ;-), reminded me of the empowering context that comes from getting present to recent accomplishments. So here's my top ten (okay, 17) list of some things over the last few days which, instead of "stepping over" or deprecating with qualifiers, I'll take as foundations from which future accomplishments will be launched:
--Played in a charity golf tournament, showing up EARLY, spending time with a good friend, making new friends, and making valuable contributions to the team such that we nearly won the tournament!
--instead of withholding, declared a breakdown to my TMLP coach and accepted her excellent and patient coaching that left me full of possibilities and optimism again
--discovered a new and improved method for loading/securing my dinghy in my minivan, drove to the marina, and stored it aboard my boat
--removed the window insulation from my boat and otherwise began prepping the boat for normal operations
--spent the night at my father's house, instead of driving straight home so very late at night after swapping cars, creating time for handling some chores and enjoying the spectacular view the next morning
--watched a couple of good documentaries
--having remembered to bring my pruning shears, went on a pruning rampage at my father's house, leaving the yard noticeably tidied up and me invigorated by the light workout
--worked from my father's house instead of going home and, instead of having tunnel vision around work, made myself available to friends to assist them with problems/tasks/projects, regularly took time to enjoy the river view, and
--rigged my inside-the-house fire hose for the first time
--watched part of a favorite movie
--moved forward with my plan to buy some waterfront property by doing some research and returning my real estate agent's call
--unpackaged a gift I'd given myself last Christmas
--remembered to call in a prescription renewal before I was out of pills
--caught up with some laundry and other household cleaning chores
--mailed the coupons she requested to my best friend
--started a conversation with a new hot prospect at Yahoo! Personals
--made a difference for me and, possibly, others, by posting this
So, what will you acknowledge yourself for, right now?
I will acknowledge myself for making big requests yesterday and today: of BF to really step into the role of coach with me, of VT to be an unreasonable stand for her own health and well-being, of CG to hire the admin support he needs so that I and others around him don't get sucked into that role, of TR to replace me tomorrow as the leader of our weekly call, of SL to send me only the information I wanted, not to invite me to a meeting I am not all that interested in attending. I'm sure there's more. I'm kinda gettin' the hang of this. :D
As usual, cannot remember my google blogger username and password - and often my username and password for online banking, checking retirement account and several other things that I must admit I don't want to care about, even though I know better! So, I will begin by acknowledging myself for plunging ahead and not letting my lapsed memory stop me!
I am touched and grateful for Glenn's acknowledgement of me - he makes me sound much the way I want others to think of me, but in a way that I rarely think of myself. Thank you!
I want to acknowledge that Glenn's assessment of waiting for the perfect time to acknowledge someone describes me to a T - Dad died in February, was buried at Arlington in May, and I have yet to contact most family members to thank them for coming to the service. I haven't yet sent the pictures or the video that were made expressly to share with family members. I haven't even told many other friends that Dad passed away. I'm not sure what that's about, but know it has something to do with not wanting to call with "bad news." Afraid of my reaction - or theirs? Makes something more real when you tell more people about it - and although I am at peace with my father's passing, I guess I am afraid of re-awakening my pain by hearing others express their sympathy. I don't want other people to feel sad, and in fact, have told several "amusing" stories about Dad's passing to both friends and acquaintances. That trait - using humor to deal with uncomfortable topics came straight from Dad - he loved a good joke as much as anyone I know - and laughter was a constant in our lives growing up.
I want to acknowledge Glenn for the inspiration he regularly provides by sharing his willingness to take a hard look at himself and then share his process of reinvention. He is much more committed than most to making a difference in other peoples' lives, not just his own.
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