What am I looking for anyway?
A little background. I had a general life melt-down about 12 years ago, with a central focus on my apparent ineptitude in some areas of relationships with women, principally my wife at the time. True, things getting extreme was "aided" by a misplaced confidence in modern medicine and heavy doses of the latest "wonder drug" but having an attitude that I used to think was optimism (but now seems more like just wishful thinking) contributed heavily. In any case, it was about five years before I entertained the thought of risking the emotional pain of things not working out in another relationship and, worse, the potential for being a source of emotional pain for others, regardless of my good intentions.
Being in hotels, on business trips, rarely brought the expected distraction of being excited about being in a new and different setting; instead, it mostly left me focusing on how alone I was and what I was looking for in the next relationship. Fortunately for me, at one point a few years ago, I was staying in a rather upscale hotel and it led me to an insight about whether I was limiting my options by expecting to find everything I was looking for in a relationship in an actual human being. Opening the closet door, I reached for the valet service laundry bag and started a new relationship just like that. It was a very attractive bag, slick white (actually quite a bit too pale for my usual taste), hanging upside down and even appearing as if wearing inversion boots--quite edgy. It just hung there not seeming self-conscious at all about what it was doing. I took it out and draped it over the back of a chair. It didn't say anything but, disappointed as I was with that since I'm a very verbal person, I just went with the flow and figured I could do all the talking (it is a laundry bag, after all).
I noticed that it was communicating by way of an attached checklist that was fluttering in the air conditioner breeze. Perfect! It's telling me what it wants or, at least, what my options are, in plain language, in writing, and with me being able to keep a copy for later, apparently so we could compare notes if there was a disagreement/misunderstanding, so neither of us would be reduced to having to remember and have that be a big deal and a source of contention. It had a tattoo--the hotel logo--but I found myself being less judgmental about that compared to my attitude towards tattoos in isolation from what they are attached to. We ended up spending some time together, mostly just going about our business, although sometimes watching television together, with it just staying there draped over the chair, but finally I noticed that, just like that, I was starting to fall for this bag! Ultimately my bubble burst when I noticed that there were PRICES next to that checklist! I immediately felt queasy--I was getting involved with a WORKING bag. Later, it occurred to me that, what the hell, I do things for money too; I guess we all just do the best we can with what we've got. I did bring the bag home with me but I knew this relationship was over. That's where Nancy came in.
As always, I keep my best friend, Nancy, up to date on my love life, or lack thereof. I talked to her about the prostitute bag and how it had opened my eyes to new possibilities. She suggested that I should still consider relationships with women to supplement any relationship I might have with a plastic bag but was happy for me nonetheless. Unbelievably (okay, not really because she comes up with this kind of stuff all the time), a few days later a package arrives in the mail from her. She'd found and sent me a very attractive cloth bag, much more my speed in overall appearance and demeanor, and with NO price list attached! It doesn't talk either but what an amazing bag! This could work out. Here are the captioned photos:
It's a magic bag! When I got
home, I found it had arranged
itself like a chef's hat on the
TV. We had a good laugh over it.
We communicated more and I've
learned that "it" is a
female and she has excellent
keyboarding skills as well as IT savvy.
"Baggy" is very domestic.
Here she's cooking my dinner.
What a great bag!
What's that noise so early in
the morning? It's Baggy
vacuuming! This is really turning
out well.
Baggy does have a troubled side; in
fact we share the fork biting
phobia. Here, I found her in the
kitchen, just in time.
Baggy can't get enough of
bicycling even when it's just
hanging on the wall. I think
I'm falling in love.
3 comments:
You know, I completely forgot about sending you Baggy. That's hilarious. And how I love seeing all these pictures again! I wish you would keep up with this blog more and post more of these stories w/ captions. It's really fucking entertaining, you know that?
I can't believe Baggy has the same fork biting phobia. But I have to ask, is it also an obsession? I know you both are afraid of biting down on a fork too hard that your teeth will break off, but can you not help yourself from doing it? Do you find yourself just grabbing a fork and biting down? I see how you got to baggy JUST in time, so was she about to bite an empty fork? I had always thought it happened while eating.
And god damn, baggy cooks! That's awesome. But what is it that she's making? Carrots? Sweet potato wedges? Fried hot dogs?
The check hat makes sense now though. You should have shown the cooking picture first. The chef hat would have come naturally afterwards. But then again, it would no longer of been magical.
And I hate to burst your bubble, but I don't think baggy is getting her biking fix. Did you notice the face she's making and what she's actually doing with her left arm? ewww.
We at Proof Reading Support, Inc., have been informed of a mistake in your proof reading abilities.
In the second paragraph of the blog post, "What am I looking for anyway?", the following sentance was found: "It just hung there not seeming self-conscience at all about what it was doing."
We understand mistakes happen. But you are one of the most outspoken proof readers out there. Not only do you toot your own proof reading skills horn, you mock and ridicule others who do not share in your liking of proof reading. If you are going to continue to criticize others for not proof reading, we must insist your own skills to be infallible from this moment on. If you cannot live up to this expectation, we must request you no longer call yourself an expert proof reader. Thank you.
Answers:
--The fork biting phobia is not well understood but there's definitely a "might loose control" and testing aspect to it. It occurred to me later that Baggy may have just been mocking me.
--Baggy is cooking chicken tenders; they're still raw in the middle but cooked around the edges.
--Wow! I hadn't thought about that other thing Baggy could have been doing on the bicycle; if so, she's quite the exhibitionist, since my watching didn't seem to bother her at all. Cool!
--Can you believe that "proof reading support" geek? Even mis-spelled "sentence" ("sentance") in a post about proof reading! How funny is that?
I do admit to being persnickety about proof reading but I would never claim or expect to be infallible. I've just caught myself being in full self-righteous (similar to self-rightscience) mode and published something, usually an email, quickly and passionately and later read it and realized I'd left people with the exact opposite impression I wanted to make because I forgot to include a simple word like "not". It's like fumbling the punch line to a joke.
I never mock or ridicule others, except for a just cause, like if it makes me feel better, especially by feeling superior and, therefore, more valuable than the other person. Inferior people feel better when they are kept in their place. That's seems fair, doesn't it?
Actually, it's almost always the case that my goal is to improve the communication, for everyone's sake, if it seems to matter, especially in those "exact opposite from what was intended" situations. The fact that there is an occupation of "proof reader" attests to the fact that many people find it valuable. For people that I care about, my motivation, even when the communication is clear, is to offer them the choice of taking action that might prevent their being embarrassed with others, exactly like I might point out that they accidentally put on non-matching shoes, or have food or a smudge on their face. I almost always appreciate when people bother to point out things to me so I have the option to correct it, if that's applicable. Maybe it's foolish of me to assume other people would also appreciate it. Even so, it's common for people to turn their own lack of self-confidence and fear of being "found out" to be less than there preferred facade into an accusation of ill motives on the part of others. It's also common for people to be on the defensive due to regular exposure to people intentionally attempting harm through ridicule. My favorite is when you point out to a child that they did something they didn't want to do and, in the face of that, rather than just fix it or admit it, they respond with "I meant to do that" or "I want it that way". Most of us, as just aging children, still employ strategies we developed as 5 year olds, with limited experience and coping mechanisms--I certainly do.
Personally, lately, I've been tryin to find a better balence between good enuf and soon enuf.
Be proud of me. I suppressed proof reading this, although I did accept suggestions (i.e., the mocking ridicule) from the spell checker.
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