Reflecting Upon The Important Things

Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, remember to pause and reflect upon the important things in life. If you don't have your own short list, feel free to use this one:

1) how to achieve peace on earth and practice goodwill towards men, and
2) whether we are using our modern conveniences to best advantage.

If your initial response to that short list was "how quickly can we get past that whole 'peace on earth, goodwill ...' thing", you are especially in the right place! Likewise, if you are becoming increasingly frustrated with an apparent shortening of attention spans or find yourself increasingly impatient with any apparent shortcoming of our modern conveniences, see if you can relate to this dialogue. I wrote it a number of years ago in response to a difference in expectations between me and my best friend about the purposes of voice mail. I claimed to be recalling an episode of the "Kung Fu" TV series on the subject.

(If you aren't familiar with that show, you'll be at a small disadvantage, so here's the context: there were regular flashback sequences to a time when the main character was a boy studying with a master Shaolin priest who was blind and referred to his pupil as "Grasshopper".)

.... So here's what I remember:

Master:
Snatch the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper. (Grasshopper tries and fails). Ah, you still cannot. Do not be too discouraged; you are making good progress and it will happen soon enough. Be mindful of the fact that you have mastered the ability to detect that you have voice mail messages and to quickly delete them, which leaves your mailbox pure, clean, and empty.

Grasshopper:
Yes, master. I can stop that damn light from blinking in a heartbeat. You're saying there is more?

Master:
Yes. With training, you will learn to become one with the message, to live the message, to "get" the message. Do not be overwhelmed, Grasshopper. Know that you already have the necessary technical skills which, when applied with discipline and in balanced proportions will allow you to advance to the next level. The first step on this path is to acquire the motivation to listen to the whole message.

Grasshopper:
The whole message, master? You've got to be kidding. Most of the people that leave messages for me are insufferable idiots. And even the one's that aren't can go on FOREVER--20 or 30 seconds sometimes! Really! You should hear some of this crap. In just one or two words I can tell who it is and I just call them back later; it's better for everyone.

Master:
Is it, Grasshopper? Have patience. Listening to the whole message will allow you to analyze its content and, perhaps, divine the intent of the speaker or capture the nuance. A message containing a silly song or an outburst of choice expletives, if not accepted as delivered, may be lost forever. A message might have time sensitive content such that calling back entirely defeats the point of the call. Suppose you get a message from ...

Grasshopper:
Blah, blah, blah, Master. Could you be, like, MORE tedious. I'm sooooo NOT interested in listening to you drone on and on. Just give me my homework and then you can go back to staring at the sun, freak.

Master:
As you wish, Grasshopper. Here are some exercises that may help you gain patience with voice mail messages:

1. Context and Nuance

Try to discern the difference between the following messages that are identical up until the point that you are likely to hit the delete button:

A) Hi. (you hit delete) Call me when you get a chance.
B) Hi. (you hit delete) Don't ever call me again -- BITCH!!!

2. Time critical situations

Which of the following circumstances do NOT fit your nearly universal "just call them back sometime" preemptive deleting rule:

A) dire emergency calls
B) "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" life-line calls
C) deathbed confession calls
D) attempt to abort a suicide calls
E) video rental selection request calls from your boyfriend

3. Combine message listening time with a physical workout

Imagine that each word you hear is an attacking Ninja warrior emerging from the phone. Using your finely honed slow-motion martial arts moves, defeat each word in turn. Besides the workout and the bonus of multiplying your opportunities for stress-reducing destructive bliss, you will be providing entertainment to all those who can see you but haven't got a clue what you are doing.

.
.
.

Anyway, I think it went something like that.

some of my life as a commuter

Sometimes, while I'm driving to work, I'm quick enough to grab a shot just as nothing continues to happen.


At this parking garage, when I'm not in too much of a hurry, I'll use this little ramp to transition between the deck and the side walk, mostly to enjoy the spectacular view of the adjoining puddle.


This ramp is at the same garage but it is for restricted use only by people confined to a unicycle.


I'm not so sure we should keep reserving the best parking spaces for the people who are handicapped if they're going to keeping calling in sick and staying home all the time.


One train I ride on has tables specially designed to satisfy the full table, little bit of table, and no table preferences of riders who want to sit together.


If you haven't heard from me and think there's been a train wreck and it's dark, be ready to read these instructions to me over the phone.

Odds and Ends

Best picture I could get without being obvious about it. Siamese twins tragically joined at the ankle.

Ignoring the warning, many a marriage has been destroyed by the carpet cleaner that was so convenient it was used every day.

Like bats (the animals, not the baseball equipment), these spoons & sporks spend the day sleeping while hanging upside down.

By night, caught for the first time on film, they roam in great herds. The alpha sporks notice my furtive glancing & attack.

and then I bought a house

The best thing about living in a bigger place, so far, is that I can choose different rooms to camp out in.

I've decided to leave the china out & all set up like I'm about to have guests. Probably more convincing after I get a table.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. I should have some fruit in the bowl and use the good plastic flatware.

Damn! Crystal plastic doesn't provide enough contrast against the carpet & the fruit needs to be more natural. More shopping.

Selfishly, I exhaled at regular intervals

I had a nice long bike ride on Sunday. However, it occurred to me later that the whole time I was not even considering the impact on global warming due to my exhaling carbon dioxide. Near the end of the ride I stopped to fill my water bottle and decided to sit in the shade for a bit. This was all I could find and I hogged all of it.



Later, it occurred to me that I hadn't even considered the impact on global warming due to my having a black nylon bike pack (instead of the common white brick bike pack). How embarrassing. Well at least not as embarrassing as being the person honored with this 30 foot "expressway" named after her (at taxpayer expense? for how many dollars?). I bet that before it was paved, that path was a wetland where moose and caribou roamed freely.

Celebrating Health!

Since I hadn't been riding my bike much so far this year, I was guessing my cholesterol test was going to be worse than last time but it was better! I celebrated by eating this roast beef salad.



Okay. That last picture was just the serving suggestion. Here it is as eaten, with non-fat croutons and non-fat salad dressing.

some of my life in April '04

Most of these have nothing to do with each other but they'll finally allow you to get to some sleep instead of wondering what was happening in my life in April '04. Do these fill in the gaps for you? For those of you not working on writing my biography (Carl?), please think of other ways they might be interesting.


I'm often impressed with my
knowledge of and expertise with the
controls I find around me. I'm
also willing to tutor others.






However, sometimes I can become overly focused on stuff and it has consequences.


Today I got to miss the train from
what will be my new regular
station. It's similar to
missing trains at other stations.





Like this:










Once I do catch a train, it provides time to reflect on the important things in life.

As far as blue jean seams go, this
one is the king of beers!

New caption, not just for Nancy, because this never really made sense.

Very much like train tracks, the parallel threads in this seam manage to get along by keeping their distance.


You don't have to imagine being Nancy getting ready to have a baby in Memorial Hospital to appreciate this one, but it helps.



When I was in the train station in
Newark, I was struck by how much it
must look like the delivery room at
Memorial Hospital.





Finally the rewards of reaching the destination.



Nothing welcomes a tired traveler
better than water for sale in the
room for only $4.00/bottle. Thanks
Sheraton!




But it's not always like that.


Free ice cream at Union Station!

(New caption, for Nancy only:
Free ice cream is free ice cream, regardless of whether it's already been "used".




Now, back to my ordinary life.


Be careful when mixing different
grades of plastic bowls and
flatware during fine dining, otherwise, this could happen.




I often notice convenient uses for things that are not what was intended.


I liked this box so much that I
bought it, even though it still had an
air conditioner inside and so was
kind of pricey.





I took advantage of an opportunity to move and buy a house. The important factor--altitude. I went from the oppressive pressure of 30 feet to the dizzying height of 390 feet. Here's the proof.

We all need to do what we can

It's been so dry that 1) I got no mulberries from my tree, 2) I got bigger apples than ever from my tree (no, NOT from the mulberry tree, from the APPLE tree), and 3) I wasn't reminded of the public service announcement aspect of these posts. All three of these may have been the result of other factors but don't let me get distracted from my mission. I know it is waayyy out of chronological order but this is a public safety issue.




When you leave a spoon in the sink,
prop it on its edge so it won't
hold water, which will keep the
mosquitoes from developing

Baggy and I have a falling out

All relationships have their ups and downs:


My friend and I begin our great
adventure! Baggy couldn't
"afford" a ticket. What
am I to her? Just a sugar daddy?

What am I looking for anyway?

A little background. I had a general life melt-down about 12 years ago, with a central focus on my apparent ineptitude in some areas of relationships with women, principally my wife at the time. True, things getting extreme was "aided" by a misplaced confidence in modern medicine and heavy doses of the latest "wonder drug" but having an attitude that I used to think was optimism (but now seems more like just wishful thinking) contributed heavily. In any case, it was about five years before I entertained the thought of risking the emotional pain of things not working out in another relationship and, worse, the potential for being a source of emotional pain for others, regardless of my good intentions.
Being in hotels, on business trips, rarely brought the expected distraction of being excited about being in a new and different setting; instead, it mostly left me focusing on how alone I was and what I was looking for in the next relationship. Fortunately for me, at one point a few years ago, I was staying in a rather upscale hotel and it led me to an insight about whether I was limiting my options by expecting to find everything I was looking for in a relationship in an actual human being. Opening the closet door, I reached for the valet service laundry bag and started a new relationship just like that. It was a very attractive bag, slick white (actually quite a bit too pale for my usual taste), hanging upside down and even appearing as if wearing inversion boots--quite edgy. It just hung there not seeming self-conscious at all about what it was doing. I took it out and draped it over the back of a chair. It didn't say anything but, disappointed as I was with that since I'm a very verbal person, I just went with the flow and figured I could do all the talking (it is a laundry bag, after all).
I noticed that it was communicating by way of an attached checklist that was fluttering in the air conditioner breeze. Perfect! It's telling me what it wants or, at least, what my options are, in plain language, in writing, and with me being able to keep a copy for later, apparently so we could compare notes if there was a disagreement/misunderstanding, so neither of us would be reduced to having to remember and have that be a big deal and a source of contention. It had a tattoo--the hotel logo--but I found myself being less judgmental about that compared to my attitude towards tattoos in isolation from what they are attached to. We ended up spending some time together, mostly just going about our business, although sometimes watching television together, with it just staying there draped over the chair, but finally I noticed that, just like that, I was starting to fall for this bag! Ultimately my bubble burst when I noticed that there were PRICES next to that checklist!  I immediately felt queasy--I was getting involved with a WORKING bag. Later, it occurred to me that, what the hell, I do things for money too; I guess we all just do the best we can with what we've got. I did bring the bag home with me but I knew this relationship was over. That's where Nancy came in.
As always, I keep my best friend, Nancy, up to date on my love life, or lack thereof. I talked to her about the prostitute bag and how it had opened my eyes to new possibilities. She suggested that I should still consider relationships with women to supplement any relationship I might have with a plastic bag but was happy for me nonetheless. Unbelievably (okay, not really because she comes up with this kind of stuff all the time), a few days later a package arrives in the mail from her. She'd found and sent me a very attractive cloth bag, much more my speed in overall appearance and demeanor, and with NO price list attached! It doesn't talk either but what an amazing bag! This could work out. Here are the captioned photos:




It's a magic bag! When I got
home, I found it had arranged
itself like a chef's hat on the
TV. We had a good laugh over it.




We communicated more and I've
learned that "it" is a
female and she has excellent
keyboarding skills as well as IT savvy.




"Baggy" is very domestic.
Here she's cooking my dinner.
What a great bag!
 




What's that noise so early in
the morning? It's Baggy
vacuuming! This is really turning
out well.






Baggy does have a troubled side; in
fact we share the fork biting
phobia. Here, I found her in the
kitchen, just in time.

 


 Baggy can't get enough of
bicycling even when it's just
hanging on the wall. I think
I'm falling in love.

essential info about my backpack or a bad picture of biting a fork?

Answer: Both. I sent this picture, originally, as a bad substitute for not having a picture of biting a fork--sometimes I have the caption before I have the photo. However, I get lots of questions about my backpack. One brother calls it my "Millennium Backpack". I admit that, in many ways, I'm just an aging boy scout and still adhere to the motto "be prepared". I've decided to do an inventory, both to remind myself of what the hell I'm carrying around all the time and, likely, make some changes and to have a basis for a "what's in my backpack?" contest. To answer a recent question and give you an early start on imagining what might be in there, it weighed 25 pounds when I weighed it a week ago on Friday (and that's without my laptop and charger, which adds another 7 pounds).

politically correct fighters and another mystery solved

On the one hand, GE makes engines for fighter jets. On the other hand, some people might be disturbed by the idea of a fighter jet used for, oh I don't know, maybe fighting. What to do. The solution, this promotional panel next to a model of their wonderful engine that suggests that the purpose of an F-16 is to use its powerful engine to flee to safety if it encounters an enemy!




caption: GE is proud to supply the engine for the Air Force's latest "Fraidycat" version of the F-16.









It seemed like I spent waaay too much time finding this photo, in fact only the thumbnail version of it, but some information is so important to get out to the public that such diligence is appropriate.


caption: I can't count the number of times I've been asked how
Amtrak keeps the caps on the back of the armrests. Philips head screw.

how are your peaches? and choosing a dog

caption: If you notice that your peaches are
marked "best before Mar'03", they're still
fine now.

(This only makes sense knowing the date sent was 3/6/04; I don't have of this same batch left to test now.)

New caption (for Nancy ONLY): If you can trick peach cubes into sliding down a plastic spoon handle into a some juice, before they know what's going on, you can seal the top and sell them as food!



caption: I described what kind of dog I want to the pet store sales person. She
suggested this one. Seemed kind of
gay. I passed.

Shift Happens and other video links

A friend sent me this link to a video narrative on some interesting statistics on the the information technology explosion and the global work force. I thought a couple of other videos there were interesting too. Check out "When graphic artists get bored" and "Laughter is contagious" (I think, don't see it on the displayed items at the moment). Just noticed the title of the post is the link but doesn't look like one, so click on it.

being followed

My shadow realized that I was following it and, suddenly stopped and confronted me about it. No, it didn't SAY anything--it's a shadow. But if looks could kill I'd be dead.

holes, scuffed heels, and what?

Lots of pictures that I sent, early on, were of things on, around, or seen from a commuter train while I was, yes, you guessed it, commuting to and from work.




caption: Wondering what the default pattern is for holes in something but
didn't ask because I'd have
interrupted? This is it.

new caption for Nancy ONLY (because I never interrupt anymore): Wondering what the default pattern is for holes in something? This is it.







caption: I can't imagine why you would
care how scuffed my shoe heel is.
It's this scuffed. Okay?!
SATISFIED?!!!

(Note: Just to not leave the wrong impression, I never let Nancy not having actually asked me something, like how scuffed my shoe heel is, prevent me from pre-emptively responding with exasperation and sarcasm.)


The following was one where I thought I had an interesting image but I never came up with a caption. It's the overhead storage rack, looking straight up from the seat. I tried doing something with it looking like a ladder, or rotating it 90 degrees left and having it be the mustache between a mechanical monsters eyes and mouth. Nothing worked and I gave up. Any ideas?




caption: ?

squirrel not using an umbrella

Okay, in the course of getting myself setup to post old photos with captions that I've sent to people, I realized that some of the captions are inside jokes or, otherwise, only make sense with a little (or much) more context, so I'll provide that when needed. Also, this will be really boring for Nancy, who has already seen most of these, so for her sake, I may provide alternate captions, for her eyes only (this will be on the honor system so if you aren't Nancy please IGNORE the additional captions). If I've completely missed with my caption, please let me know what it should have been (must be 125 characters or less to meet the original caption limit).

From Feb '04:



caption:

squirrel not using an umbrella



caption for Nancy ONLY:

squirrel not using an umbrella near shovel





caption:

Squirrels more political than we
thought? Here, clearly, one
protests our actions in Iraq by
turning his back on the flag.








caption:

This image may seem familiar. This
time, see if you can find the
squirrel then create your own
caption.


(recipient of the last photo couldn't make out the squirrel sitting at the end of the rail as a squirrel)






caption:

Unless you think you might need
some of this stuff, I'm
throwing it out. I'll need to
know by Thursday morning.

photos with captions: an inadvertent hobby

For a long time I resisted getting a PDA because I usually had my laptop computer with me and I didn't want to carry yet another special purpose device. What made the difference for me was when they came out with the combination PDA and cell phone with wireless Internet access. As a very secondary consideration, I thought it would be interesting to have that gadget include a digital camera as well--relatively low resolution notwithstanding, it seemed like having some camera with me all the time vs no camera most of the time might pay off. I even decided to take advantage of the one month free trial service that allowed me to send pictures with captions to people wirelessly. Within a very short period, I realized I'd stumbled upon a new and favorite hobby.

I've sent over 400 pictures with captions, so far, and found that what made it fun and interesting for me was the immediacy of it and the challenge (for me), usually trying to be funny, to work within the original limit of 125 characters for the caption. Having been overly shy about sharing my creative work, my audience for these captioned photos was almost entirely limited to my friend Nancy, who shares my sense of humor. Being a little slow sometimes, it took awhile before I realized that if only 1% of people have my sense of humor, that' 3 million people, just in the United States.

So, for the sake of bringing a few smiles on occasion AND having a large stockpile of things I can post quickly when I have nothing "new" to offer, I'll be posting some of them here, working through them from the oldest first, starting with my next post. Also, I've taken many photos for which I never did come up with a caption, which is sad, so I'll be posting photos those and challenging you to come up with one where I haven't.

At least only one broke

Pow! Damn it, I dropped the 3-pack of preserves. That's okay, I really only wanted the apricot preserves anyway and what are the odds of ... DAMN IT!!!